Life with a Pirate
by AccessBlade
Summary: They sent her the Pirate!England unit instead of the regular gentleman one who can't cook! How did Lacie even find herself in this mess in the first place? She didn't even order anything! But she was stuck with the guy whether she liked it or not.
1. Chapter 1

**I love the manual series that LolliDictator has created. So I decided to make two versions of it. The characters in both manuals are related to each other, but they live in different places. **

**I promise you that this one's going to be a little different since the character has chosen to keep the horny pirate who could drink her out of house and home.  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the manual series or Hetalia. I do, however, own the poor university student who is about to have her life turned upside down since she is now going to be housing a pirate under her roof. **

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**Chapter One**

_Whoops! We've sent you a Pirate!England on accident! This unit is extremely violent, nearly constantly horny, and will drink you out of house and home - as well as kill your landlord when he comes to collect the rent you can no longer pay - unless you ship him right back..._

Lacie read the first question of the Troubleshooting section of the manual, her hazel eyes scanning the rest of it as fast as she could. Her life was depending on learning as much as she could about the pirate dressed man currently inhabiting the downstairs level of her house.

This was just fucking great.

The morons at the company just sent her the Pirate!England unit not only capable of raping her, but getting Lacie arrested as well if the book in her hands was accurate. Thank god she didn't have a land lord... though she probably couldn't say the same thing about the mailman.

Because of him, she was hiding in her room. She was underneath her bed, concealed in a tight space behind various boxes and a huge black suitcase and holding on to the damned pirate's cutlass. It wasn't exactly the best hiding place in the world, but it was better than a closet. Reaching into the back pocket of her dark jeans, Lacie flipped open her black Motorola Razr cellphone. The company who made the Pirate!England unit better have a way to shut him down so she could ship him back or else...

_"Hello?"_ A voice on the other line, clearly belonging to a woman, said. _"How may I help you?" _

"Help?" Lacie hissed. "You can help me by telling me how to deactivate a pirate lunatic unit!"

_"Would you happen to be talking about the Pirate!England unit?" _

No, she was talking about the gentleman version with the horrible cooking.

"Yes!"

_"I see. That **is** a problem."_

Did the woman honestly just figure that out?

_"I believe it's in your best interest to shut him down and ship him back as soon as you can."_

Really? The thought had **_never occurred _**to Lacie. How stupid did they think she was? She already read the manual twice during her time of hiding!

"HOW?"

According to the woman on the other line, the deactivation switch was on the back of his head. Hidden by his pirate hat.

Thanking the woman, Lacie hung up before dropping face first into the plush carpet of her bedroom floor. She had a feeling this was going to be a long day...

XXXX

**_Earlier..._**

_"What is this?" Lacie asked, looking at the tall wooden box that the delivery man had just __dropped off in her living room. _

_"Package delivery ma'am." _

_"Are you that you have the right address? I don't remember ordering anything at all." _

_"Are you Lacie Taylor?" _

_"Yes."_

_"Then yes."  
_

_She had been watching TV when the doorbell rang and she found a delivery man on her doorstep. He had a tall package of some sort with him and before going into her house to drop it off, and after the above conversation, he shoved a clipboard and a manual of some sort into her hands. _

_Lacie merely blinked before looking down at the clipboard. There didn't seem to be anything connected to her mysterious package other than to say that the company delivering it was called 'Flying Mint Bunny Express'. _

_Flying Mint Bunny? She'd never heard of a shipping company with that name.  
_

_Tucking in strands of her golden red hair behind her ear, Lacie signed the form and handed it back to the delivery man. _

_Taking it, he tipped her cap towards her. "Good luck ma'am."_

_Lacie stared at the man's back as he walked towards his truck. What did he mean by good luck? And why did she have a feeling that she wasn't going to like whatever was going to come next? _

_Shutting the door behind her, Lacie proceeded towards the living room and flipped through the white book she had been handed._

**CONGRATULATIONS! **You have just purchased your very own ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit! This manual was written in order to ensure that you, the owner, can unlock your unit's full potential as a guardian, boyfriend, and/or stripper.

_The hell? Did she suddenly just enter the world of Absolute Boyfriend or something? The box was certainly big enough to fit a person. _

_She continued looking through the manual. There was a list of things that came with the unit and it also explained his programming, various ways on how to wake him up without getting killed, his default modes, ect. Since Lacie didn't have a burger and was lazy to cook anything relatively Spanish or French, that only left her with three options; the fifth one she would save for last._

_Getting her laptop, she put the speakers on high volume and started splaying the first song mentioned. Even when she played the entire song, there were no signs of the Arthur Kirkland unit breaking out. Then she played Star-Spangled Banner and there were still no signs of him attempting to break out and wring her neck._

_After going down to the basement to find a bottle of scotch or whiskey, she came into the living room holding two bottles of the alcohol the manual specified. She clicked the two bottles together as hard as she could without breaking the bottles, but there was still no response._

_Funny, those two options should have woken him up already. Maybe it was a defective unit or something?_

_Taking a deep breath, Lacie got on top of her coffee table to open the top of the box. At least she had the bottles of whiskey and scotch and the song Saving Grace on her computer if she needed it._

_Turned out she didn't need anything. Once she opened the box, she found herself staring at a young man dressed in a pirate costume. He had light coloured blond hair... and the biggest eyebrows she had ever seen. Lacie barely had time to digest all that when his eyes suddenly snapped open and his gaze met hers. Next thing she knew, she was on the ground, her elbows and butt absorbing most of the impact. As Lacie fell, the box broke apart and the unit escaped the package he had been shipped in._

_"You be the wench who disturbed my sleep, then?" There was a cutlass at her throat and the red-head forced herself to look up at the man who was wielding the weapon. _

_"And if I said yes?" She glared up at him.  
_

_The pirate sneered at her, and it wasn't in a very friendly way either. She had no idea what the sneer meant, but it was clear that if she stayed in the room any longer, she was going to find out the hard way._

_And like hell was she going to get trussed up like a damsel in distress in her own house.  
_

_Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the bottle of scotch within her reach. Her hand shot out and as soon as she had grabbed the bottle, she flung it at the man who was threatening her after she reached out for the blade. He jumped back, swearing, and Lacie used this opportunity to yank the cutlass right out of his hands. She knocked him down by kicking out his legs, making them give out beneath him as she took the manual and cutlass, racing up the stairs to safety but not before she purposely stomped on his back to prevent him from getting up too soon._

XXXX

Unfortunately, Lacie couldn't hide in her room forever. She was going to have to go down eventually to face the pirate since it would only be a matter of time before he found her or she starved to death.

Making sure that he hadn't chosen the moment she decided to get out of her hiding place to track her down, she carefully and quietly shoved the boxes and suitcase away from her. Putting them back in place so that they hid the cutlass, Lacie went to her closet and pulled out a metal baseball bat she reserved for situations like this (okay, more like people breaking into her house while she was home) as well as a pair of hiking boots. After tying on her boots, she carefully and quietly walked towards her door and pulled it open.

Poking her head through the doorway, she looked left and right to see if the pirate was any where in sight.

"So far, no sign of him." Lacie noted. "Guess he's still downstairs."

She peered over the banister and saw that there was still no sign of the buccaneer. Where was he?

Once she was on the first floor again, Lacie scanned the area to make sure that she didn't miss him or anything. Her grip on the metal baseball bat tightened; Lacie wanted to be ready to swing the bat at a moment's notice.

"Where are you?" She hissed in frustration, her eyes scanning the area.

"Right here." Another voice answered from behind her.

Lacie 's reaction was immediate as she spun on her heel, using the time she did so to pull back her arms and swing the baseball bat. The bat swung into his side, but Pirate!England didn't even seem phased by that. Actually, Lacie was certain he didn't even bother to block the attack.

"Uh..." Lacie took stepped back, taking the makeshift weapon she had with her. "Great..."

She did not like how he was staring at her. There was some sort of maniacal gleam in his green eyes... and that grin... ugh...

"Since yer a lass, I won't keelhaul you." The pirate began, immediately closing the distance between them. He gripped the hand that held on to the baseball bat so tightly that Lacie was forced to let go. "Where's me weapon?"

"As if I'm going to tell you." Lacie was trying to pull away from him, but he was too strong. Why the hell would the company create a pirate unit who was likely to traumatize their owner? If she had to go to therapy because of her experience with this guy, she was going to sue them.

Pirate!England smirked. "Guess I'll jus' hafta force the answer from ya lass."

Lacie felt something soft close over her lips. Something soft _and _warm.

OH...

GOD...

He was _KISSING _her!

Lacie tried to push herself away from him, but he unfortunately had a tight grip on her and he was making sure that she wasn't going to be able to escape.

Every part of her mind screamed for her to get away from him, which her body was replying to by trying to push the pirate away. But there was a small part of her mind that was actually _**enjoying **_the fact that she was being kissed. That part of her mind didn't want to let him stop kissing her and she wanted to kiss him back! Lacie desperately prayed to god that she wouldn't kiss him back. She did not want to give him the impression that she was liking this or anything!

Her eyes widened as she felt something go underneath her shirt, gently stroking her skin and moving towards her chest. She squeaked when he started caressing it.

And that was pretty much when her mind snapped.

Lacie brought her leg up, basically slamming her knee into what would be the equivalent of man's... well...

The pirate broke away from her, cursing, and she used this opportunity to kick him again. While he was on the floor, Lacie was able to move behind him and and hit the switch the woman had instructed her to.

XXXX

Seeing him stop moving and his green eyes dull, Lacie slumped onto the couch, completely exhausted. Jeez, dealing with this guy was near impossible. No wonder the company instructed her to send him back ASAP.

But that brought up other questions too. Seeing the unit lying still on the floor, Lacie sighed. It didn't seem right to just leave him on the floor like that. Carefully adjusting his pirate hat, she moved him into an sitting upright position on the other couch. Now that he wasn't trying anything, he was nice to look at.

_Where did that come from? _Lacie blushed as she forced herself to look away. But she couldn't pull her eyes away from the deactivated form of the pirate. Right now, he looked like he was peacefully sleeping. As if he wasn't capable of pillaging villages and hacking down people in his way.

She went up to her room and took another look at the manual. There was nothing new on the topic of Pirate!England other than he was loving towards the Alfred F. Jones unit and it was a bad idea to bring him anywhere near a Antonio Carriedo unit. Also, he had a horrible superiority complex to boot.

But if he was such a difficult unit to handle, why make one in the first place? Wasn't it obvious that he was just going to be shipped back to the company so that they could deal with him? And what did they do with the Pirate!England units after they were shipped back? Did they disassemble them?

Lacie shivered. As much grief as the unit had given her once she had opened his box, she couldn't help feeling bad for him. Did he know what was in store for him once he was sent back to the company that made him in the first place? And was it his fault that he was like this in the first place? Wasn't he a unit that was programmed with various options...

Wait. Programming. Options.

That gave her an idea!

Picking up the cell she had left on her desk, she began dialing Janice's number. Lacie wasn't an expert on operating on anything robotic, but Janice was terrific with handling things like that.

_"Hey Lacie, what's up?" _A voice on the other end said.

Lacie smiled. "Hi Jan. I have something that would interest you indefinitely. Are you up to helping me with it?"

_"Is it an android?" _

"I think so, but I'm not really sure. I'm going to need help reprogramming him."

_"I'll be there in twenty minutes!"_

After hanging up, Lacie went downstairs to start cleaning up the mess Pirate!England had left.

"Looks like I won't be shipping you back after all." Lacie told his sleeping form.

She wondered if he could hear her.

* * *

**And I'm finally done! After about four hours yesterday night and three hours today, I have finally finished! **

**According to Lollidictator's guideline, Pirate!England is supposed to be horny. That doesn't qualify to immediate rape, but he was getting there. And yes, Lacie has decided to keep Pirate!England despite the fact that he has more faults than good points. But she just couldn't bring herself to ship him back.  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm so glad that people liked my story! So I guess it's a definite that I'll continue with the Pirate!England series when I have time. Unfortunately, my schedule is about to become more hectic in January because that's when I start college. So yeah...**

**On with the story! We'll see how the rest of Lacie's life unfolds...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia or the idea of owning units. I do, however, own Lacie and her friend Janice. **

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**Chapter Two**

"Congratulations on getting a boyfriend Lacie!" Janice chirped once she spotted Pirate!England's form sitting upright on the couch. She had arrived seven minutes ahead of the time she stated she was going to be there, making Lacie suspect that the former had probably broken a few traffic rules to get to her place.

The red head responded by smacking the back of her friend's head. The latter squeaked, rubbing the spot that Lacie had hit moments before.

"That's not my boyfriend, Janice!" Lacie rolled her eyes. "He's the guy I was talking about earlier!"

Instead of replying back to her friend, the raven haired girl walked towards the unconscious pirate to examine him. Lacie kept a careful eye on her friend, making sure that Janice didn't try anything. Though she didn't really have anything to worry about since Janice was thankfully not Emily, the latter who would have definitely stripped the poor pirate of his clothes by now to see what kind of 'hot bod' he'd have.

After several minutes of examination, Janice looked up and grinned. She gave Lacie a thumbs up. "In place of Emily who is not here at the moment, congratulations on scoring a hot boyfriend!"

"How many times do I have to tell you that he's not my boyfriend!"

"He's not?" Her friend looked puzzled.

"NO!"

Janice had a thoughtful expression on her face, examining Pirate!England once more. As she circled around him, she poked him once or twice, nodding in satisfaction about something. This took ten minutes in which Lacie went to the kitchen to make iced lemonade as well as peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

When she came back, Janice was sitting next to the deactivated unit watching... Power Rangers.

"Are you done?" Lacie asked her friend, watching the pink SPD ranger get blown forward by a blast. Why were the explosion scenes in the Power Rangers series always in slow motion?

"Uh-huh!" Janice took the lemonade and sandwich from her. "Whoever made him sure knew what they were doing! I don't think I'll be able to reprogram him unless I talk to the people who created him."

So that meant they had to contact the manufacturers. Lacie's left eye twitched as she remembered the conversation she had with the woman earlier.

"Fine." The red-head sighed. "I'll go contact them for you. But just so you know, you're doing all the talking."

**XXXX**

They had to wait until Power Rangers was over because apparently Janice had already seen the episode and it was one of her favorites. Hence why they didn't immediately start on Project Pirate.

And twenty minutes later, Lacie was impatiently tapping the table top with her fingers as her friend talked to one of the company's correspondents. What, Lacie wanted to know, were they talking about? Judging by the constant laughing that Janice tried to conceal, she could guess that they somehow moved from the topic of how to reprogram Pirate!England to something else entirely.

"Okay, gotta go!" Janice said breathlessly ten minutes later. "My friend is giving me her infamous death glare and I really want to continue living! Bye!"

And she hung up.

"What the hell were you talking about?" Lacie asked, her patience having run out five minutes earlier.

"Oh, well, we were talking about how Madison (the woman) has gotten a few calls similar to yours earlier. Apparently you aren't the only one who got a Pirate!England. And you got lucky."

So that meant that the other people who got the violent pirate units weren't so lucky.

"What happened to them?" As much as she wanted to make sure Pirate!England wouldn't rape her in the middle of the night, she was also curious about what happened to the other people.

Janice laughed. "Well... one person had to pick up a huge tab in a bar after the unit escaped and practically drank every alcohol beverage. And that after he beat everyone in there up badly. There was another time when one of them tried to kill a land lord. And the most famous story is how a unit went and broke the hearts of thirty-two women in the course of three days! The owner had one hell of a time facing the wrath of the broken hearted women."

As Lacie listened to Janice tell all the 'pirates-gone-bad' stories she heard from one of the workers, she made a mental note to keep an eye out for the pirate once he was reactivated and to have her friend do something about the sadistic streak she had.

"He's a lady killer?" Lacie took special note of that fact. She did not feel like dealing with women who became victim to the pirate's playboy ways.

"Apparently! You better keep an eye on your soon to be boyfriend!"

"For the last time Janice: HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND NOR WILL HE EVER BECOME MINE!"

The dark haired girl gasped before a stern expression crossed over her face. "You shouldn't say that Lacie! You never know!"

"He's a unit. An android, whatever else word you use to describe what he is. Even if I did fall in love with him (which is highly unlikely) it would never work out!"

There was silence in which Janice merely blinked at the adamant expression on Lacie's face before she sighed. She should have known better than to push it, even though it had been a few years.

"Okay, fine. But... don't count it out just yet, kay?"

"You're asking me to fall in love with an artificial person." Lacie deadpanned.

Janice just sighed and shook her head.

**XXXX**

"There!" Janice announced two hours later.

Lacie, who was on the computer working on a report, looked up. Her friend was grinning, hands on her hips, re-examining the pirate as if she was expecting him to jump up and say that nothing went wrong.

Which, thankfully, he couldn't do at the moment. Because then Lacie would have already raced over to the couch and start beating the unit senseless with the baseball bat that was propped up by the wall close to her. Even if Lacie had decided to keep him, she saw no reason as to why she should not bash him with the metal bat when he tried something.

"Finished?" Lacie asked.

"Yup! I did everything Madison instructed! The only way we'll be able to tell it worked is if we reactivate him again!"

The red-head grimaced at the thought of reactivating him, but Pirate!England was her responsibility now. And if she was going to be responsible for him, that meant she wasn't going to chuck his lifeless body into the basement where it collected dust.

"So, what did you do?" Lacie wanted to know.

"I toned down the horny part of his personality, as well as the violent aspect. He won't go off and kill a land lord, but don't expect the poor land lord to get away unscathed. Also, he won't drink as much."

"How come you 'toned down' his personality?"

"Are you asking me to completely erase his programming and create one from scratch? Because I can do that... but it'll take several days."

Lacie sighed. "It's fine. You don't have to do that."

Besides, what right did she have to go around changing someone else's personality completely? Sure, toning it down was a bit unfair too but with what she saw earlier and how the manual described his behaviour, he would have gone and gotten himself arrested the minute he was out the door. If the cops could catch him, that is.

"Also, I think I have something that you'll find useful." Janice said as she reached into her bag. She pulled out what looked like a collar and a watch.

Before Lacie could say or do anything, Janice snapped the watch on her wrist and slapped the collar onto the pirate's neck.

"What did you just do?"

Janice giggled. "I just ensured that he won't go and do anything... without your permission. Think of the collar as a sort of electric shock collar. And the watch is the activation for the collar. So if he does anything you don't like, you click this button," Janice pointed to a red button on the black colored themed watch, "and presto! It sends shockwaves through his body, which will definitely get him to stop whatever illegal activity he's doing!"

The red-head merely raised an eyebrow at her friend. Just when in the world did Janice have time to develop this kind of thing? And why in the world would she even create it in the first place?

On second thought, she didn't want to know.

"Also, it tells time!"

Wow, a shock collar activation device and a watch rolled into one. Just what Lacie always wanted.

Since she was already behind the unit, Janice took his hat and placed it on her head before smacking the back of his head.

Pirate!England's activation wasn't as instantaneous as when Lacie had made the mistake of opening his wooden box earlier. His eyes slowly opened and they had a glazed expression for a few seconds before the gleam she saw when he was pointing his cutlass at her returned.

He looked around before his eyes landed on Lacie.

"You wench!" The pirate snarled at her. "I should ha'e you walk the plank for what you pulled!"

"Excuse me?" Lacie was in the pirate's face after that statement. "But I think your feeling me up earlier qualifies as a good reason as to why I deactivated you the first time! And I don't appreciate being called a wench either!"

As the two glared at each other, Janice watched, giggling from her cover of hiding behind the couch. This was going to be entertaining for sure...

"Where's me hat?"

Oops, time to hide.

Janice ducked down behind the couch just as the pirate looked in her direction.

"I didn't take it, moron!" Lacie snapped. "Janice!"

The dark-haired girl giggled. "Yes?"

"Please give the agitated pirate his hat back." Lacie jerked her head slightly towards him.

Janice giggled again before peering over the top of the couch, a grin plastered over her face as her friend and Pirate!England were staring in her direction. She smiled at the pirate, even though he was glaring daggers at her. Skipping over to them, Janice handed the pirate his hat back before quickly getting out of the room. She was going to leave the damage control to Lacie who seemed accustomed to dealing with it already.

"If you need me, I'll be in the kitchen making brownies!"

As her friend ditched her, Lacie rolled her eyes. Typical of Janice to skip out when she needed her. She watched the pirate adjust the hat on his head, grumbling something underneath his breath.

"What?" He snarled.

Why, oh why did Lacie have to have a compassionate side that felt sorry for Pirate!England? Why?

But there was no turning back now. She already made a choice and he was already reactivated.

Looking the pirate straight in the eye, Lacie took a deep breath before she spoke.

"Before we do anything else, there are a few things we need to establish if you're going to be living with me from now on."

* * *

**And I'm done! I'm sorry if it isn't as good or as long as the last chapter, but I wasn't quite sure how to form this chapter. Basically, it's an introduction to Janice. Hoped you liked her. She's a bit eccentric, eh? Not to mention she also has quite a sadistic streak, which I'll show you in later chapters. **

**Until then, enjoy this update!  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**Ahh... I'm having so much fun with this fic. I'm making another fic that goes along side with this one starring Lacie's younger twin siblings. Though they get the normal units. Just so you know, if you haven't already guessed, Pirate!England is the only unit living with her. For now. I might throw in another one but that won't be until far into the future. Or when I feel like it. **

**However, I am working on a HetaOni fanfic called HetaOni: Wishes of Innocence. If you guys have time time, can you check it out? Please? And leave reviews behind while you're at it!  
**

**And from now on, Pirate!England shall be addressed as Arthur.  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia. Or the idea of Hetalia units. I only own Lacie Taylor. **

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**Chapter 3**

Lacie knew that living with the pirate was going to be different as well as difficult. It was to be expected as the manual specified that he was extremely violent as well as quite the drinker. But she didn't expect him to be _this _difficult! It was practically bordering on ridiculous!

"Will you just take it off?" She snapped at him.

It had been two days since she received him in the mail. Two days since she took his cutlass, ran into her room to hide and try to figure out how to deactivate him. Two days since Janice came over to reprogram him before slapping a collar around his neck.

And two hours since Lacie had been arguing with him about taking off his pirate jacket and hat.

The pirate glared at her, daring her to try and take the two articles of clothing away from him.

"Fine, you asked for it Arthur." And she lunged at him.

It started with the whole idea of getting him a new set of clothes. Lacie mentioned this to the pirate, but he scoffed at the idea. There was no way he would trade in any part of trademark outfit for anything else. Not even if she shocked him with the collar now fixed around his neck and then tossed him in Davy Jones locker after wards.

And thus they fought, being hell intent on not giving into the other's demands.

"Look!" Lacie said after a good ten minutes of practically trying to rip his jacket off. "I'm not saying you can never wear your hat and jacket again! Hell, I wouldn't be trying to pry them away from you if you were going to make this much of a fuss over it! But going out with what your wearing right now is going to draw attention! No one dresses up like a pirate these days any more unless it's Halloween!"

"Am I suppose te care?" Arthur snapped at her.

Lacie had gotten tired of referring to her new housemate as 'the pirate' or 'Pirate!England' so she had settled for calling him by his default name. Of course, he would have rather her call him Captain Kirkland but Lacie retorted that he could ask someone else to inflate his ego, which was big enough as it was.

"Yes!"

The pirate scowled, but once he saw the position the both of them were in, he broke out into a smirk that made Lacie want to punch him.

"I ne'er knew ye could be so forward." He said. "Are lasses in this time as forward as ye are?"

"What are you talking about?" Lacie said, pulling the collar of his white shirt towards her. "I'm not..."

It was then that she realized exactly what he meant. Arthur was lying beneath her, his upper half being propped up by his elbows with Lacie holding him by his shirt. And Lacie was sitting on top, straddling him. It was similar to a scene in an anime called Inu Yasha when Kagome was trying to get Inu Yasha to take off his shirt so that she could take a look at his wounds. Kaede and a group of children had chanced upon them before the old priestess told the kids to avert their eyes.

Much to Arthur's amusement, the girl's face turned as red as her hair. And it was getting even redder with each passing second as she continued to hold on to him.

"You...you...!" Lacie stammered. "Gah! Bastard!"

The pirate laughed, smirking at her.

Though he wasn't laughing for long when Lacie slapped him after wards.

**XXXX**

Half an hour later, they had finally left the house after Lacie threatened to actually do away with his hat. The pirate reluctantly relented to getting something else for him to wear but with the condition he got to pick the clothes. Lacie agreed to the condition as long as the cost wasn't in the three number range.

"Try to behave yourself." She told him after she parked the car.

The man merely folded his arms across his chest, muttering something underneath his breath. He was wearing a black jacket over the white button up shirt she had given to him. He also had on a pair of black slacks that had belonged to her father.

Sighing, she rolled her eyes and used the remote to lock up her car once he was out.

"Come on. The sooner we get this over with, the sooner we can get back home."

**XXXX**

_"Do you see them?" The blonde behind the wheel asked the dark haired girl who was sitting in the back of the car. _

_Said girl was peering through the window, holding a pair of binoculars up to her eyes as she watched Lacie dragging a very reluctant pirate across the parking lot. __She giggled, watching the man act like a four year old who was being forced into a grocery store full of vegetables by his mother. _

_"He is such an eye candy." The blonde sighed. "How can she not fall for him?" _

_"Why are we spying on them?" Asked the only male in the car. Unlike his female companions, he wasn't as keen on watching the red-head from afar. Unfortunately for him, he didn't have much choice whenever his girlfriend__ chose to drag him into something. So here he was, stalking one of his girlfriend's friends. _

_The blonde hushed him. "Because I want to see what the hot guy living at Lacie's is like!" She turned to the other girl. "What's your opinion so far?" _

_"Good looking but he really needs to work on the attitude. Don't worry, I'm sure Lacie will be able to straighten him out!" _

**XXXX**

So far they had bought six pairs of shirts and five pairs of pants. For someone who had been so against going out to buy a new set of clothes, Arthur was surprisingly picky. Lacie had teased the unit about his being more fussier than a girl when it came to clothes and the pirate, blushing a faint pink, quickly picked up the clothes he wanted and shoved them roughly towards her.

"Thank you for coming!" The cashier chirped, staring at Arthur and fluttering her eyebrows.

Looking away, Lacie rolled her eyes and gagged. Could the woman be any more freaking obvious about her flirting? Arthur winking back only made her gag even more and Lacie kicked him in the shin in response to his flirting back.

Grabbing Arthur by the hand, she dragged him out of the store. The farther away she was from the chocolate haired beauty, the better. She didn't like how the girl was eying him; not because she was jealous, but because it just added to the theory that if she wasn't careful, she'd have to deal with broken hearted women and girls alike.

When they passed the food court, Lacie realized that she only had two donuts and a hot chocolate for breakfast, which had been ages ago. Checking her watch (the one that doubled as the shock collar) she saw that it was one in the afternoon.

"Hey, are you hungry?" She asked her companion.

**XXXX**

_Sitting at the far side of the food court, the three 'spies' were still watching the pirate and their friend while conversing with each other. Or more accurately, the two girls were conversing while the male just awkwardly sat in the middle and listened to their conversation. _

_"If I didn't know any better, I'd have to say they were on a date!" The blonde smirked.  
_

_"She'd kill you if she heard that." The dark haired girl mused. _

_"Well, she can't hear me, now can she?"_

_"True." _

_Lacie had returned from with her and the pirate's food. She had gotten chicken terriyaki for herself and she placed the tray of fish and chips in front Arthur.  
_

_The dark haired girl drooled as she used the binoculars to watch Arthur eat. "That... looks so good. Hey Em, can I go get something to eat? I want to have what Lacie got the pirate!"_

_The blonde was going to protest, but she made the mistake of looking into the other girl's dark brown eyes. Her own eye twitched as she cursed the idiot who had created the concept of puppy eyes in the first place. "Fine! But make it quick, Janice!" _

_"Yay!" She handed her friend the binoculars before racing off to the fish and chips stand. _

_The boy of the group chuckled. "She got you Emily." _

_"Ugh..." She rolled her eyes. "I'm way too nice for my own good aren't I? I'm making sure that the guy living with Lacie will make a good boyfriend for her. She better thank me for this."_

**XXXX**

"Ye e'er ha'e th' feelin' yer bein' watched?"

Lacie looked up from her food to see Arthur glancing around the food court, eying the other people. To her amusement, he had liked the food she had gotten for him. He had devoured all of it and Lacie had to get him another fish and chips meal. She made a note to buy some frozen store ones to prevent him from trying to make his own food which she had the misfortune to eat yesterday.

Apparently he was just as horrible a cook as his gentleman self. Lacie remembered waking up on the couch with the pirate grumbling under his breath about something, probably the fact that she couldn't 'appreciate good food'.

"All the time." Lacie sighed, remembering all the times Janice and Emily decided to stalk her. Emily's boyfriend, Brian, always went along with the two against his will. Lacie took pity on him by concentrating most of her anger towards the two girls who were the ones responsible for most of the grief she suffered through in the first place.

Arthur raised one of his thick eyebrows at her questioningly.

"My friends have a tendency to stalk me."

Both of Arthur's eyebrows went up as he remembered Janice, the girl responsible for the collar around his neck. She was a cheerful lass, but very strange. And sadistic as well judging by how most of her inventions were used to be a convenience for herself at the expense of others.

"Ye ha'e strange friends." He finally said, leaning against the chair. He casually rested his arm on the back of the hair and crossed one leg over the other. "Are they all like yer friend the other day?"

"I have one other named Emily. She's under the impression that I need a boyfriend and keeps setting up blind dates without asking me."

Arthur snorted. "I pity th' man who takes ye up."

Lacie narrowed her hazel eyes at him sharply and too late the pirate realized that he shouldn't have said that. "Wait, don't-"

She pushed the red button on her watch and with a grunt, the man fell over as the collar did its work.

**XXXX**

_"Yes! It works!" Janice smiled as she watched Arthur picking himself off the floor, scowling at Lacie. __There was a small smile on the red head's face as she returned to her meal. _

_"Why in the world would you invent something like that in the first place?" Emily asked. _

_"Oh, I was going to sell it as something for girls to keep their boyfriends under control. Neat idea, huh?"_

_There was silence as both Brian and Emily stared at Janice very hard. _

_"Um.. no. Just no." Brian shivered. _

**XXXX**

After getting him another set of clothes, Arthur and Lacie were resting by the fountain.

"We're finally done." Lacie groaned as she allowed her sore feet to relax. She grimaced at the fact that the damned pirate next to her didn't seem a bit tired even though he had been standing much longer than she had.

"'Bout time." Arthur muttered, but Lacie just ignored him. "Are we goin' te leave now?"

"Yes." Lacie sighed as she glanced up at the second floor level of the mall. "What the-?"

"What is it?"

The red head frowned, her eyes narrowing sharply. She could have sworn she saw...

"You said we were being watched earlier, right?"

Arthur gave Lacie a strange look, but confirmed his earlier statement again. Biting her lip, Lacie whipped out her cellphone from her pocket and started dialing the number of the person she knew she was going to get answers from.

_"Hello?" _Said the person on the other line.

"Hello Brian. Say, you wouldn't happen to be with Janice and Emily _stalking _me would you?"

_"..."_ Brian didn't say anything.

"Tell those two I'm going to kill them both once I get my hands on them."

* * *

**Finally, I'm done this chapter! Yes, they were going to have to go shopping at some point. Now what's going to happen to Janice and Emily?**

**Don't for get to review! Oh wow, I can't believe how popular this story is...  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hah... I've been updating my HetaOni fic like crazy, and even though this fic has been out longer I've only got three chapters out compared to what I'm spewing out for the other fic. Maybe it's because with all the drama in the HetaOni vids that are out on Youtube, I'm inspired more? Well, unfortunately, I'm not really sure why. Oh well, I'd just like to hope that I update this once in a while because I'm sure many of you would be disappointed if I suddenly stopped updating. **

**And remember to read my HetaOni fic as well!  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the concept of Hetalia, only my made up character Lacie Taylor. **

**

* * *

**

**Chapter Four  
**

"Don't you two have anything else better to do in your spare time other than follow me around whenever you're bored?" Lacie's eyes blazed with fury as she stared at a sheepish looking Janice and a bored Emily.

Arthur and Brian watched from the side as Lacie really let her two friends have it. After a half an hour chase which led to all five of them being kicked out of the mall, the red head had finally managed to chase down her two friends.

When they were still in the mall, they had spotted Lacie coming towards them with a look that seemed to say that she was hell bent on murdering the two, Emily and Janice had ran in the opposite direction as fast as they could to escape her unholy wrath.

Janice screamed at the top of her lungs that Lacie was going to kill her and that everything was Emily's fault. In turn, the blonde retorted that if she was so worried about being caught in the first place, she should have been more careful. It was her fault that Lacie had seen her spying down on her with binoculars.

In the end, two mall cops had caught the two girls and the rest of the group were escorted outside where Lacie promptly screamed at the two of them with bystanders pausing outside the mall to watch the scene unfold.

"Do's this sor' of thin' happ'n oft'n?" The pirate asked the only other male of the group since the three females seemed pretty occupied at the moment. Also, he seemed to be the most sanest one from what he had seen so far.

"Heh..." Brian crossed his arms, his eyes glazing over as he watched his girlfriend and Lacie argue. "More than you know."

He had learned to grow used to this sort of thing and was feeling a little sorry for the unit who would most likely be sucked into the madness that was his girlfriend and friends.

Arthur's bottom lip curled as he watched Lacie chase Emily around again, screaming death threats as the blonde laughed maniacally like a lunatic.

Well, Arthur thought as he raised an eyebrow at the latter, she seemed to be enjoying herself.

"Th' lasses in this time are strange."

"No, it's just them." Brian deadpanned. "Other girls are sane. Lacie is pretty much sane herself until Janice and Emily decide to scheme something involving her."

"Stalkin' be one of them?"

"Oh yes. That's only _one _of the things they do to give her a headache."

Arthur raised both his eyebrows at the man standing next to him. "Ain't one of them yer lass?"

Brian raised an eyebrow at the way the man had chosen to word his sentence. Then he remembered that the guy was a pirate and so he didn't raise any questions about his accent and choice of wording. He turned back to the girls since he couldn't hear any more screaming and maniacal laughter.

Lacie was now just venomously glaring at her friends, meaning she must have run out of steam while she was screaming at them.

"Come on. It's safe now." Brian gestured for the pirate to follow him. "It's best to head them off when you have the chance."

**XXXX**

"Wow Lacie, you really tamed him." Janice said after she had eaten two of her fries from her crispy chicken tenders meal. "He's not so wild any more."

Emily had insisted that they all go out for dinner to celebrate the arrival of Lacie's new house mate. The red head disagreed immediately, considering the grief she had put up from her blonde haired friend, but when Emily said she would pay for everything Lacie didn't object at all. The former's parents were very wealthy people so Emily could afford to treat them.

Lacie herself had a wealthy god father but she did not want to spend his money on anything other than her house bills or on necessary products. The money she did use to spend for herself all came from her job as a waitress at Earls.

In the end, they chose to go to the restaurant that Lacie worked at despite her protests.

Lacie liked her job. Everyone at Earls was nice with an exception or two. But early on when she had first started working at the restaurant, the red head had learned that coming in with an attractive guy was something you did not do unless you wanted to be bombarded by the other waitresses the next time you came into work your shift. And as much as she loathed to admit it, Arthur was (unfortunately) attractive even with his eyebrows.

Selena, one of her waitress friends, had greeted them at the entrance. When her latina friend's gaze had rested on the pirate for several more seconds than it did for the other customers who came in, Lacie instantly knew that she was going to be in for a headache tomorrow. Selena loved to gossip (as did quite a few of the other waitresses) and once she got to the 'Employees Only' area, she was no doubt going to spill the beans: Lacie came towing a hot guy with a pirate accent.

"You did this on purpose, didn't you?" The red head glared at her friend sitting across from her.

The blonde in question ordered the Naples Margherita, one of the pizzas that Earls catered. Looking up while still chewing on it, she smiled and gulped down what was in her mouth. "Nothing makes life more interesting than a bit of drama!"

"How is bringing Arthur to Earls adding drama to my life?" Lacie asked dryly.

Brian had taken Arthur to the washroom to wash up, leaving the three girls free to discuss the pirate tenant living with Lacie. She had been surprised that Brian and Arthur had hit it off immediately. They weren't best buddies, but they seemed to get along perfectly fine. Arthur hadn't hurled him across the room or broken his jaw at least, so she had to assume that they were getting along.

"So the other girls can get jealous, of course!"

Lacie nearly fell over. "WHAT?"

"You know, jealous of the fact you have such a hot guy."

Lacie glared at Janice then turned to Emily. "I've told Janice this already, but Arthur is _not _my guy!"

Emily winked at her. "You never know Lace, you never know. Don't be so quick to deny." She smirked. "You've got to reel this cutie in."

Lacie just glared at her again.

"Here's your penne alfredo!" Bethany, a waitress who Lacie shared a shift with, placed the plate in front of her. She placed down two cups of coke and a water as well. "I'll come back with the other penne alfredo, the oven baked chicken and the Earls bigger better 1/2 pound burger you ordered." She quickly bent down and whispered in the red head's ear. "Who's the hottie with you?"

Lacie made a face. Great. Selena worked fast.

"My new house tenant." She said. In a way, it was true. Even if she hadn't asked for him in the first place.

Bethany looked surprised. "Really? Not your boyfriend?"

"No." Why did everyone think that Arthur was her boyfriend?

For some reason, Bethany looked extremely happy and bustled off. Whether it was to get her food or report to the others, Lacie had no idea.

Emily sighed and took a sip of her diet coke. She was extremely addicted to coke (the drink, not the drug) but at the moment she was trying to lose a few pounds. Hence, the diet coke. "You should have told her Arthur was your boyfriend." Lacie opened her mouth to tell her that he wasn't her boyfriend for what had to be the umpteenth time when her friend cut her off. "It would have been easier because now her and probably several others are going try and chase after him."

Clamping her mouth shut, Lacie had to admit that Emily was right. Bethany was single and looking for a 'hot' available guy to score. Apparently, Arthur seemed to fit right in to the category.

"Well, I can't do anything about it now. And besides, it'll be fine as long as he doesn't agree."

"Who doesn't agree?" A voice whispered right next to her, their warm breath tickling her ear.

Lacie had been taking a sip of her coke, so when she heard those words, the red head promptly choked on her drink. Oh god... that voice...it sounded so, so...

_Seductive. _

"What's th' matt'r lass? Catch ye at a bad time?" Arthur's voice continued to whisper, his arm wrapping around her waist and bringing her closer to what would presumably be him. When they had been seated at the table earlier, Lacie made sure that he sat next to her. She didn't quite trust him to be able to sit next to the others without trying anything on them.

Lacie's face started to turn bright red as she realized just how this unit went and seduced thirty women while breaking their hearts.

He was a _natural womanizer. _

"Actually, yes you did." Lacie said through gritted teeth, struggling to get out of his grasp but to no avail.

Her hand moved towards the watch that controlled the collar on his neck. But just before she could push the button, another hand grasped her wrist and yanked it back.

"Not this time lass."

Lacie's blush deepened as she stopped struggling, realizing that resistance was futile. The red head really hoped he wouldn't do anything embarrassing where her co-workers could see. One thing was for sure; she was going to punch him for this later.

And to her horror, he went and did just that. Embarrassed her in her own work place.

Tilting her head towards him, Arthur's mouth crashed right on top of hers.

_"Mmph!" _

What made it worse was that he started _french kissing _her_._

His tongue made contact with hers, making Lacie flinch and try to move away from him, but he was able to prevent that from happening as the hand beneath her chin held her head in place.

As he explored her mouth, the red head was surprised by just how gentle he was. From Arthur, she was expecting him to be much more rougher, kissing her so hard that her lips would bruise the next day.

Instead, after he had so rudely invaded her personal space in practically every way, he had lightened up the pressure on her lips after he had slipped his tongue in her mouth.

As he continued to kiss her, his tongue gently playing with hers, Lacie found it harder and harder to move away from him. Oh god, he was such a good kisser...

A bright flash brought her back to reality and Lacie vaguely remembered that her friends were still there. The pirate broke his lips away from hers, presumably to see what the flash had been. For some reason, Lacie couldn't help being a little disappointed when he stopped kissing her.

Sitting across the table with her camera out was a grinning Emily. Next to her was an extremely happy Janice who then proceeded to ask for copies of the picture the blonde had just taken. Brian looked mildly embarrassed, his elbow resting on the table top with his face buried into the palm of his hand.

Arthur licked his lips, a smirk playing on them as he satisfied the part of him that craved the touch of women.

Lacie's face reddened even more (from embarrassment or fury, no one knew) as her hand inched slowly towards the ginger ale...

* * *

**And end! There! I finally have some inspiration after my HetaOni binge. **

**Yes, I decided to throw a kissing scene. Wouldn't it be like England to force himself on a girl like that, huh? I hope I wrote it well, since I'm not that great with romance and stuff. **

**Anyways, please review and tell me what you think!  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**And I'm back! Sorry it took me so long to finally get a start on this but I was struggling with ideas not to mention a complete pain in the ass Term Paper for college, but since I finished it and it was due today, I am free to write fanfiction again! Truth is, I want to type some of my other stories but I thought that I should update Life with a Pirate since I've kept you waiting for too long. So... here it is. **

**Warning: Drinking and Drunk ramblings in this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia or Pirate England. I do, however, own the insane Ocs who star in this story. **

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Chapter Five  
**

This had to be Emily's worst idea yet.

Lacie knew that she would retract that statement when her friend got them into an even worse mess. But for now, it was an appropriate description to describe the situation they were in _now. _

"D-dude! Thish ish fuuun!" A clearly intoxicated Emily slurred after she drained the last of her Jaral de Berrio tequila. "Why ish it we don't do thish every night?"

And right now, they were in the Black Frog in Gastown either having a few drinks or watching their friends who were having a few drinks making idiots of themselves.

Why was Emily asking that question when she was being a perfect example herself? Other than getting wasted, there were the morning hangovers where you'd run to the toilet to empty the contents of your stomach. Not to mention the pounding headaches. All in all, getting drunk was not worth the hassle Lacie had to suffer after wards.

"Emily," Brian winced as his girlfriend demanded another drink. "I think you've had enough for tonight."

"Nonsense!" The blonde waved away Brian's words. "Imma just getting started!"

"If you ask me, I think it's time to cut you off. Anymore and we'll have to bring you into the emergency room to get your stomach pumped." Lacie said wryly. She wasn't having anything herself as she was one of the designated drivers; Brian was the other one.

"L-Lashie," The red head in question rolled her eyes. She knew what was coming. "Yer-yer n-no fun. E-every time we ashk you to c-come drinking with ush you never drink."

"That's because I'm the one who makes sure you get home safely."

"Y-yeah!" Janice lifted her head from the bar counter top. She hadn't even drunk nearly as much as Emily did, but she was intoxicated as well. "You sh-should be grateful we have Lashie around! We can get wasted all we want and we don't have to worry about getting raped and all that other stuff!"

Janice stared blankly at the wall opposite of her before bursting out into hysterical laughter and dropping her head down onto the counter again.

The red head merely slapped her forehead before sighing and dropping her own head onto the counter right next to Janice's. Why the hell did she let her friends drag her into these kinds of situations again?

Oh, right.

It was because she had an extremely strong guilt conscience that would not stop nagging her about what could happen to her friends if she didn't go with them to whatever chaos they were stirring and save their asses when the shit hit the fan.

So here they were, four hours later after Arthur had forcefully lip locked her in Earls and her friends had taken pictures to commemorate the event, in a bar with most of the group drinking their asses off. Neither she or Brian stood a chance when the other members ganged up on them, forced them into the cars and ordered then ordered them to drive to the destination.

Lacie wanted to strangle someone. Preferably an annoying egotistical pirate who became her new housemate two days ago.

Speaking of said annoying pirate, where was he? He had said he was going to the loo (which was another word for washroom) but that had been half an hour ago and there were still no signs of him. Unsurprisingly, he had downed about ten bottles of rum before he up and left.

"Excuse me?" The red head heard a voice say from behind her.

_Oh god. _Lacie did not want to turn around and face the owner of the voice. Because if she did, she'd have to face reality. And reality happened to be the mistake of having let Captain Kirkland out of her sight. But she forced herself to do so. Wasn't she used to having to clean up her friends' messes in the first place? What could possibly be the problem with having to deal with a pirate as well?

"Yeah?" She said to the woman who spoke. It was one of the workers on the late night shift.

The worker pursed her lips together, unsure how to phrase what she was about to say. Lacie waited patiently for the woman to get the words out.

"It's about your friend."

_Yup. Sounds about right, _Lacie thought sarcastically as she began tapping her fingers on the counter top in agitation. "The one with the huge eyebrows, right?" The worker looked taken aback and Lacie scowled. "What did the idiot do this time?"

"Well, he's occupied the ladies washroom." Lacie's scowl deepened even further. She was going to strangle him if he did any property damage. "And has been, well, making out with various women."

Another worker came up behind her, a tall man who seemed about as happy about the fact as Lacie did. "Try he's _still _in the washroom making out with them."

Correction.

She was going to _kill _him_. _

**XXXX**

"Wos tha' really necessary?" The annoyed pirate asked, rubbing the back of his head as Lacie forcefully dragged him by the collar of his shirt to her car.

After ordering Brian to take Janice and Emily to her car, she had stalked off to the bathroom in which the workers of the Black Frog told her the pirate was in. Thirty minutes later, her face was still burning with embarrassment as the manager politely asked her to not come to their establishment again. Which was fine with her as she didn't drink nor was she ever taking the pirate with her to a place that was serving alcohol in the near by future.

The red head was pretty certain that the directions the workers gave her had been unnecessary because the minute she got to where the washrooms were, she could hear _noises _coming from the female side. Taking in a deep breath, she entered and prepared herself for what she was about to see.

God must have taken pity on her because instead of being faced with graphic images that she would be able to associate with third base, the woman and the pirate were just making out, though Lacie took note that his hands were going up the shirt.

Telling the slut to take a hike (because Lacie was pretty sure she saw her walk in with her boyfriend who she was passionately making out with earlier), she turned to face Arthur and punched the side of his head.

"Are you kidding me? Just be lucky I decided against drowning you in the toilet!"

Lacie got into the driver's seat while Arthur went to the other side, a scowl set on his face like a child who was very unhappy with his parents.

The two of them drove in silence until they got back to the house, Brian following them as Lacie said that they could stay the night at her place as well just to ensure that the two girls didn't choke on their own vomit when they got up.

"So what happened?" Brian asked after having settled Emily down on one of the couches.

"Apparently," Lacie threw a nasty glare at the pirate who was leaning against the wall glaring back right at her. "Captain Kirkland decided he needed some more action with women. Which was why he was gone for thirty minutes. Making out in the _women's _washroom for some unknown reason that I'm probably better off not knowing."

"Oh." Brian said, his own face turning red.

"Nothin' wrong with playin' with a few women," Arthur smirked, licking his lips.

"Well, no." Lacie had to give him that, but that did not necessarily qualify as her liking it. "But why the washroom of a bar? Next time you feel like whoring yourself out, go to a brothel or something!"

"So where's the nearest one?" He asked, not missing a beat.

Brian groaned before turning back to the unconscious Emily. He had a feeling that things were going to get really ugly as he braced himself for Lacie's upcoming screaming rant. Instead, Lacie merely rolled her eyes before walking up to the pirate, shoving him onto the floor and then stomping up to her room to get extra pillows and blankets.

"I seriously don't have the energy to put up with this," Was the last thing the two men heard before she completely disappeared from their view.

* * *

**Wow, it took me about an hour and a half to make this? Sorry it's kinda short but I thought a short chapter was better than nothing, right? Besides, the previous chapters ended on a more comical note so I thought it was nice to make things a bit more serious, eh? Though it did start out funny. **

**As for the slut comment... well, I was a bit hesitant on using that term but combined with Lacie being pissed off and exasperated not to mention knowing that the girl had a boyfriend, it came to her mind. **

**Anyways, yes, Arthur got kicked out of the bar. Who thinks that he should pull her aside after she's done getting the stuff and forcefully invade her space again? Yes, more kissing as people seem to enjoy the pairing Pirate!EnglandxLacie even though most of the time he just kisses her without her consent?  
**


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